When you have met the man you love ,
you settle down, two turtle doves.
You chat about a family,
some little ones upon your knee.
And everything looks bright and rosy,
you build your nest and make it cosy.
There's mobiles dancing in the breeze,
as you can plan just what you please.
And then one day your dreams come true,
you'll soon be three now not just two.
You want to know, a girl or boy?
Who will be your pride and joy?
You read the books and buy the mags,
you give up drink and throw out fags.
You laugh at all the little kicks,
he wriggles round, you learn his tricks.
You plan to have a water birth,
as all admire your widening girth.
You don't want drugs, just raspberry tea,
you think that it will be pain free.
You mock your friends who all are Mums,
and know you'll cope with dirty bums.
Then one day you get out of bed,
you feel an urge just like they said.
You light the candles, fill the bath.
Your husband thinks it's one big laugh.
You start to have your first contraction,
you mobilise your plan of action.
You dim the lights, you're right on track,
your man rubs oil upon your back.
The midwife, she is on her way.
“You raise me up” is ready to play.
But now it's getting far too real,
this is not how it's supposed to feel.
You feel them coming like a wave
and try to look as if you're brave.
Your husband looks quite terrified,
you thought he'd take it in his stride.
You snap at him through gritted teeth
that it's his fault, this pain beneath.
The midwife says you're now dilated,
whilst you just want your man castrated.
She thinks that baby won't be long,
and he will need you to be strong.
I say I don't think that it's fair
and now demand the gas and air.
She tells me to just try to breathe
and shouts to your man who tries to leave.
And then the dreaded waters break,
the cat surfs out upon their wake.
Your hubby slips and bangs his head,
the midwife tries to help him instead.
Until you scream “You stupid cow!
I want this baby out right now!”
The water birth goes down the drain,
I cannot cope with so much pain.
I glimpse my man in swimming trunks,
he's wishing now he was a monk.
The first twelve hours go slowly by,
I wish this baby would just try.
And then it starts, the tightening bands,
I dig my nails in my man's hands.
The midwife says I'm doing well,
but I tell her to go to hell.
She tells me now that I must push,
as she is poking round my bush.
Then here it comes that great big head,
I wish I'd had a dog instead.
She says that there is lots of hair,
I glared and said I didn't care.
A mighty scream and out it plops,
I hoped that's it, but it has stopped.
Just for a minute, then it's here,
the midwife lets out a bright cheer.
And then we hear a little cry,
and I first see my little guy.
He 's looking really mighty mad
with face screwed up, but I'm so glad.
It didn't happen like the book.
I didn't note how long it took.
I hadn't used my birthing plan,
I forgot about my cooling fan.
I didn't use advice from others,
all the bad tales from other mothers.
As soon as I saw his sweet face
I knew nothing could ever take his place.
So if you are a first time Mum,
with baby growing in your tum.
No one can tell you what to do
it's not so bad, and I had two!