My husband went to a nail bar,
he wanted to mend his shed.
He didn't know what was happening,
when they polished him up instead.
He isn't into man grooming,
he's not done his sack or his crack.
And he'll never let anyone shave off
all the fuzz that grows on his back.
He can't see the point of a man bag,
he only has wallet and phone.
Because when he is out on his tractor
he's usually quite alone.
He laughs at the thought of a facial,
his brows aren't shaped or plucked.
He says if the salons need farmers
then their profits will probably be ...marginal.
His idea of personal grooming
is a flick with a flannel and soap.
If any beauticians do spot him,
they know that he's past all hope.
He always sprays his arm pits
to counter the smell of his cows.
But he even smelt vaguely farmy
when we exchanged our vows.
And as for fancy aromas,
perfume and eau de toilette.
He already stinks of diesel
and he's only meeting the vet.
His idea of a getting a hair style
is me with the clippers and comb.
And even then he is talking
to the cowman on the phone.
His hands are rough as sandpaper,
though he does use udder cream.
It stops them from cracking too badly
and it's part of his beauty regime.
But I wouldn't want to change him,
I don't like men crimped and groomed.
I'd rather have smells of cow muck
than a man who is plucked and perfumed.
I'm happy to have my clean farmer,
even though there's a ring round the bath.
his hands are great for back rubbing
and we always have a good laugh!