I don't need a car that is shiny, I don't care if it's purple or white I just want to be able to drive it if I want to get home safe at night.

I don't care for alloy suspension, I don't want to have cruise control. All I need is a reliable engine and four tyres that hopefully roll.

I don't worry about folding up mirrors, or if it can connect to blue tooth. I much prefer to have steering, doors and a nice solid roof.

The salesman gives me his patter, he thinks that I am impressed. But I don't need sat' navigation and I wish he'd give it a rest.

I still use my trusty old map book that gets me from A to Z, as long as I set my alarm clock and heave myself out of my bed.

I yearn for the days that were easy when I checked my own points and plugs, kept a spare pair of tights with the spanners and covered my knees with a rug.

I used to wind down the window and pull out the choke to get going. Put a weight in the boot if it was icy, and a shovel and flask when snowing.

But now it's all on computers, we don't even get our hands dirty. If you ask the garage for answers, they sometimes get a bit shirty.

And whatever happened to bumpers? they saved quite a few dents and tears. And remember how life was so easy with just reverse and four simple gears?

Cars are getting quite boring, to me they look much the same. And now if you have an accident everyone's out for a claim.

We have to buy a fancy new motor designed for high fashion and speed, with a hundred expensive new extras that none of us really will need.

Because dreams of cruising the highways like the adverts they show on TV, are more likely to be like a nightmare where you're stuck in a queue and can't pee. ©Jan Millward