Caller 45.

Thank you for calling our helpline, you are 45th in the queue. All our phone lines are busy and there's nothing else you can do.

Please hold the line and be patient, we'll answer as soon as we're free. We suggest you make yourself comfy, and have a nice cup of tea.

We're sorry that you're still holding, we've chosen some music for you. Please don't swear at your mobile, we're recording everything blue.

It's a shame you don't like canned Mozart, we thought it quite classy and bright. We used to play more Stevie Wonder, but we don't want to get in a fight.

Congratulations for listening, you've moved up 2 places at last. It won't be very much longer, so chin up and don't feel downcast.

Our operators are busy, they're having some coffee and cake. We thank you for being so patient, it will only be a short break.

Thank you so much for calling, we value your custom and wit. We listened in on you shouting, please don't call our boss an old git.

Bravo! You are now moving, you only have 2 hours to wait. There's no point shouting and screaming, you'll only get into a state.

Thank you again valued client, it's getting quite late in the day. We'll be closing up in 10 minutes, maybe you could try to pray?

We're sorry to have to inform you, we are all now on our way home. It's pointless you sitting their trying, we've switched off the lights and the phone.

Please try again in the morning, don't throw the phone in disgust. your blood pressure will keep on rising, and you can't ring if you go bust! ©Jan Millward